When you mention someone as your friend, do you mean it? In the third letter by Seneca to his friend Lucilius, he is replying to one of Lucilius’ letters. Lucilius got it delivered to Seneca via a ‘friend’ of his. He asked Seneca to not discuss his affairs freely with him since he is not in the habit of doing so himself. Seneca aptly said, “you have described him as being a friend and then denied that in one and the same letter”. Now recall how many times you have done that. I have done it numerous times and most of the time that person is just an acquaintance.
Seneca argues that if you call someone a ‘friend’ in much the same way as referring to candidates as ‘gentlemen’ or hailing someone as ‘my dear fellow’, then you can be given the benefit of the doubt. But if you call someone a friend and don’t trust him as you trust yourself then you are making a grave mistake. This made me think about who I consider my friends and how much I trust them. While reading this letter, I thought about what I share with my friends and how they take it. Are they ‘Yes-men‘? Or are they always trying to tear me down?
Before You Make Friends
I believe if you call someone a friend, you should certainly discuss everything with them. But before doing that it is extremely important that you discuss in the mind the man himself. Before sharing everything you should think long and hard about the kind of person he is. “After the friendship is formed you must trust, but before that, you must judge”. You should think for a long time whether you should make someone your friend, but when you have done so, open your heart and soul to him. Speak as unreservedly to him as you would to yourself.
In order to do that you must first speak unreservedly to yourself. Whenever that voice in your head pops up, before doing what it says just take a moment. Take a deep breath and ponder whether it is just an impulse or is it a product of a well-thought-out conversation. Always separate yourself from that voice in your head and consider it another person inside your head. Once you do that, you will start to question what it says and you will not just blindly do it. This is most important in order to speak freely to yourself.
Sharing With A Friend
There are definitely some things which you cannot tell your friends; on which the conversion decrees silence. Therefore, Seneca suggests that the things you should share with your friend are your worries and deliberations. “Regard him as loyal, and you will make him loyal”.
Some people are too afraid to share with their friends. I was one of them at a dark point in my life. And I say it a point because it was just that, a point when I didn’t trust people and didn’t open up to anyone. If it were under my control, I would even keep things from myself. I was falling into depression and even thought about seeing a therapist. But I changed the narrative in my mind and reached out to some crazy people who are now my best friends. On the other hand, there are some who share anything with anyone. They just need an ear to unburden themselves of whatever is on their minds. We should do neither. “Trusting everyone is as much a fault as trusting no one”.
Conclusion
In the end, a balanced combination of the two attitudes is what we should aspire. “The active man should be able to take things easy while the man who is inclined towards repose should be capable of action”.
Your views can differ from mine, but if you found the points made in this post reasonable then please share this with your family and friends. It would mean a lot to me! You’ll also find an entire series where I talk about stoicism from Seneca’s perspective and how it can or cannot be accommodated in our modern lives here. Have a look; you’ll definitely find something that stimulates your mind. Thanks a lot for reading!
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